


He Hit Me (It Felt Like A Kiss)

by writingdeluerann



Series: A Pebble in the Water [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Bottom Liam, Bottom Zayn, Depressed Zayn, Depression, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, M/M, Physical Abuse, Post-Death in the Family, Rape/Non-con Elements, Therapy, Top Liam, Top Niall, Top Zayn, past ziall, side larry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 05:00:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2011827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingdeluerann/pseuds/writingdeluerann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been a year since Zayn and Liam seemed to put the bullying behind them and so far, things have been good, but when Zayn goes to see his therapist after missing appointments for almost two months, she finds out that things haven’t been as perfect as they seemed. Suddenly certain events of Zayn past come to light prompting him to question if Liam can change and if not is he still willing to stay?</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Hit Me (It Felt Like A Kiss)

**Author's Note:**

> Well here it is. This is the sequel to And The Sounds Of Bells Come From Locker Room Floors. Please read that one first if you haven't already! I apologize for taking so long to put this out, but I got stuck half way into writing it and decided to put it aside for a bit. I picked it back up a couple days ago and I am happy to say it is finished. I am really proud of this short work. I hope you enjoy reading it like you did the first one. The title is from a song of the same name by The Crystals and the series title is from a lyric in the song Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. TRIGGER WARNING: MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE, ANXIETY, REFERENCES TO DEPRESSION & DUB-CON/NON-CON SEX.
> 
> P.S. I promise there is no Liam/Zayn/Niall love triangle of any sort in this fic. I repeat no such thing is in this fic. Other than that please read the tag.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All situations and how people are presented in this work is based solely on my imagination and do not depict how they actually are. I do not own One Direction and am not affiliated with them in anyway.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **Update (March 7, 2016): 2nd to the last scene rewritten for clarity. ******

Breathy moans and the slap of skin on skin echoed through Liam’s large bedroom. His parents were gone again. Neither one of them knew where they were this time; Paris, Italy, The States, hell they could have been half way to Antarctica by now and Liam wouldn’t have a clue because other than the occasional email or call his parents never said much else. He didn’t mind though since their absence was such a normal occasion it gave he and Zayn free range to have sex wherever they wanted in Liam’s house, including his parents bedroom, which they had done too many times that Zayn lost count. It was always fun in there because _the bed had these silk sheets that when Liam started to sweat and leak all over the bed it made it easier for me to—_

“Fuck harder.” Liam grunted out cutting off Zayn’s train of thought.

“Okay babe.” Zayn said as he roughly moved Liam’s left leg that _was_ over his left shoulder down next to his right leg so that Liam was now practically on his side even though his upper body was still looking up toward Zayn. It probably wasn’t the most comfortable position, but the pleasure it sent crashing through your body made up for it.

“Babe this hard enough.” Zayn said as he pinned Liam’s legs down and began pounding into his boyfriend again.

Liam just nodded, as he was unable to answer. Zayn could see where his knuckles were white from the grip he had on the sheets. Zayn liked seeing him like this. He liked knowing Liam got like this for _him_. He liked knowing that for once he could produce good things. Pleasure was a _very_ good thing.

Zayn slowed his pace as he bent down attaching his lips to Liam’s. He thought that if anyone had said a year ago he would have Liam pinned to a bed fucking him senseless he honestly would have laughed in their face. If anything people would have guessed Zayn would have been on his back all things considered. Zayn wouldn’t lie though and say that it hadn’t surprised him too. He thought that he and Liam would have a battle for power sort of thing before one of them finally caved in, but after everything Liam just wanted Zayn and that meant any way he could have him. Not to mention he actually liked having Zayn’s cock buried in his ass. Now it wasn’t like Zayn didn’t want Liam buried in him too it was just that small part of him that still feared what might happen. There were still times that he and Liam would begin to argue and he would recline back into his old self again making himself smaller like a frightened animal.

It was then that they decided that when it came to _this_ Zayn could fuck Liam all he wanted and when they were both ready Liam would do the same. Neither complained since they loved each other, but Zayn always felt guilty when he was alone in his room. He felt like somehow he betrayed Liam’s trust for still being afraid when Liam got that look in his eyes or when Liam stepped to him with every bit of dominance even if they were just joking. He knew things weren’t perfect, but Liam had made a lot of progress. He was working on his aggression and the psychological and emotional damage that everything left both of them with. They both went to Liam’s family’s therapist twice a week, one day for their separate sessions and the other for their couple’s session. They were determined to make it work. It was this knowledge that helped stamp down the guilt Zayn held.

Zayn broke the kiss and Liam looked up at him with lust filled eyes. “All four’s.” Zayn panted and Liam complied getting on all four’s.

Zayn looked down at the pale skin of his boyfriend’s back and ran his hand down it slapping his ass when he got to it.

“Fuck.” Liam called out with each slap. He liked it like that and they both knew it.

Zayn bent down and kissed the small of Liam’s back before giving his dick a few strokes and lining it up with Liam’s waiting hole. He pushed in slowly although he knew he really didn’t have too. He liked being gentle sometimes. Zayn began moving in and out slowly and Liam matched his every movement enjoying the change of pace. Zayn would bring his dick all the way out to slam back into Liam creating a slap sound as well as a grunt that Liam let slip out his mouth. They continued like this for a while until he could feel the familiar sensation grow in him that said he wouldn’t last much longer. Zayn bent down wrapping his hand loosely around Liam’s neck. Liam complied and rose up until he and Zayn were flesh to flesh. He turned his head to meet his boyfriend and they began to make out as Zayn sped up the pace again. Liam began stroking himself as he too could feel his climax coming, but his hand was slapped away as Zayn took over. They both only lasted a few more strokes and pounds until Liam shot spurts of white cum all over his sheets and Zayn was shooting his load in his boyfriend’s ass. They both tumbled over in exhaustion.

Zayn rolled off of Liam and lay beside him. He looked over at his boyfriend and gave him a small kiss on the lips. “Love you.” He whispered looking into Liam’s eyes.

Liam turned on his side and tucked Zayn into him. Zayn was always the little spoon. He wrapped his arm around Zayn’s waist and laid a kiss on the top of his boyfriend’s soft black hair. “Forever.” He whispered wrapping his arm tighter.

“Always.” Zayn said kissing Liam’s arm. He intertwined their fingers and drifted off to sleep.

#

**Two Month Later…**

Zayn sat down in the leather chair across from his therapist. Her brown hair was pulled into a tight bun. She had on a white button down with the sleeves rolled up and it was tucked into her black slacks. She was writing something down on her notepad as Zayn tapped his fingers on the chair and absentmindedly fixed his leather jacket so that nothing showed. She looked up through her lashes as she saw him do this and wrote something else down before finally looking up. She smiled at Zayn who returned it although it didn’t quite reach his eyes like it should have. She placed her tape recorder on the table between them and began his session.

“So what brings you here today Zayn?” She said in a neutral tone. “You’ve missed quite a few of our sessions. I can say I was surprised when I got your call.”

Zayn switched positions in his seat trying to get comfortable. He ran his fingers through his hair and it slicked back with the sweat from his palm. “I’m sorry I’ve missed.” He paused. “Its just things–I’ve had a lot to do.”

She nodded her head and began writing something down. “What kinds of things?” She asked and looked up waiting for Zayn’s answer.

Zayn let out a breath. “Just things.” He said as his phone began to ring. His eyes widened as he reached in his pocket and took it out. “Sorry.” He said as he began pressing the reject button more times that he needed too. When he was done he placed the phone back in his pocket and looked over his shoulder as if he was waiting on someone to burst through the door.

His therapist began to write something down. When she was done she looked up at Zayn who was now more nervous than he had been when he came in.

“You seem nervous Zayn is something wrong?” She asked.

Zayn looked down and turned in his seat again. He put his hand in his pocket and took out his phone placing it on the table. He slid it across the table as it vibrated excessively with an incoming call. His therapist looked down at the caller ID as it read _“Liam”._ She looked back up at Zayn. His voice trembled as he let out a sigh. “He doesn’t know I’m here.”

She picked his phone up off the table and Zayn sucked in a breath.

“Don’t.” He said automatically, but she didn’t answer it. She just took his phone off the glass table and placed it on the arm of her chair where it could vibrate without making any noise. Zayn sunk in his chair.

“Why don’t you want Liam to know you’re here?” She asked. “The last time you were here everything seemed to be going well. Has something changed?”

Zayn looked away from her and at the bookshelf as he stood up. His heart was pounding and his palms were sweating. It was hot in here, but it wasn’t and Zayn knew it was only because he was nervous. He looked down as he took off his leather jacket and laid it on the back of the chair. His black viper no sleeve shirt hung loosely on him. He walked over to his therapist and stood in front of her showing her the faded bruises he had on his arm and the one he had around his neck. She examined them for a long time before finally looking down and began to write. Zayn took that as his cue to sit down. He didn’t look back up until she began talking again.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you with bruises Zayn. Would you like to tell me how you got them?”

“Liam.” Zayn said before she could even finish.

“So have you broken up? Has the bullying started again?”

“No we’re still together and I haven’t been bullied since before we started coming to you.”

“So the bruises?”

“Liam’s just–” Zayn let out a breath. “At first it was okay because I just figured after everything that’s just how it would be for a while you know. I didn’t mind him like being sorta possessive since he spent the first couple years of knowing me doing the complete opposite, but now…” Zayn looked down staring at nothing in particular. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t like the possibility of what this meant. He didn’t like thinking that despite them not hating each other anymore that things could get worse again.

Zayn’s therapist watched him. She studied him for a while before writing something down and looking up. “Go on?” She said.

“Now it’s all Liam does. I can’t go anywhere or do anything without getting a text or a million calls and if I don’t reply or answer he gets angry and questions what I’ve been doing and where I’ve been.” Zayn pulled at his hair as his anger built. “Then I can’t talk to any guy outside of Harry and Louis without him thinking I’m cheating and getting angry and possessive and obsessive–”

“–Is that how you got your bruises?” She asked cutting Zayn off.

Zayn looked at her. “Yeah.” He said simply.

She nodded her head. “When did this start?”

Zayn ran his fingers through his hair as he calmed down. “It started about...”

**Two Month Earlier…**

_“Are we still on for this weekend?” Louis asked facing Liam and Zayn with Harry sitting in front of him. “Mrs. Ferguson was the best but this teacher…” Louis ran his hands through his hair as they all looked at Mr. Trector at the front of the class talking on his classroom phone. “I swear he has it out for me or something.”_

_Liam and Zayn began to laugh. Louis raised an eyebrow at his friends. “Excuse me he is a sadist I tell you. He hates me.”_

_“S’not that bad Lou.” Harry said grabbing Louis’ hand and stroking his knuckles with his thumb._

_Louis smiled at his boyfriend. “That’s only because he loves you.” Harry began to blush. “Your charm gets everybody it’s your secret weapon.”_

_“It worked on you.” Harry said smiling bigger now._

_“I know.” Louis said tugging on Harry’s curls. “That’s why I called it your secret weapon.”_

_Liam rolled his eyes. “You two are naus–”_

_“–Alright class can I have your attention.” Mr. Trector said._

_Liam looked away from Zayn who was now drawing something in his notebook and toward the teacher. He stopped midway as Louis scowled at the teacher making Liam let out a small laugh. Mr. Trector looked at him with a raised eyebrow and cleared his throat._

_“Okay so in a moment we will be receiving a new student. His name is Niall Horan and I want you to be on your best behavior and make him feel welcome.” Mr. Trector said as the door opened. “Ah well hello Mr. Horan, how are you?”_

_Niall took off the headphones that had been around his head and let them fall to his neck. “I’m good.” He said looking out at the class._

_“Splendid.” Mr. Trector said with too much enthusiasm. “Well if you have all of your materials then I guess I can get you seated.”_

_Mr. Trector looked around the room for a second, but stopped as his eyes fell on Zayn._

_“Zayn could you stand up please.”_

_Zayn looked up from where he had been drawing and stopped. His eyes widened and his mouth slacked in shock as he and the blonde stared back at each other with the same expression. Zayn stood up slowly swallowing hard. His heart was pounding in his chest and his fingers were twitching. He hadn’t thought he would ever see that face again, but here he was staring back at him in all its pale Irish–_

_“Zayn you with us?” Mr. Trector asked bringing Zayn out of his stupor._

_Zayn nodded his head and cleared his throat. “Yes sir I am sorry.”_

_“Good.” Mr. Trector smiled. “Niall this is Zayn.”_

_“I know.” He mumbled, but Mr. Trector just continued to talk._

_“There is a seat right behind him that has become yours for the rest of the year.” Zayn’s eyes widened even more before he let out a breath and closed his eyes momentarily. When he opened them Mr. Trector was looking at him. “Zayn if it isn’t too much trouble I would like for you to be Niall’s guide sort of help him around make sure he knows where his classes are that sort of thing.”_

_“Cool.” Zayn said blankly as Niall walked over and sat in the seat directly behind him. Zayn didn’t understand how this was his life._

_Liam looked between his boyfriend and the new guy, Niall, as his grip on his pencil began to tighten. He could feel heat starting in his fingers and going up his hand. He didn’t like the look they exchanged. It was too long. He knew it meant something. He watched with an intense gaze as Niall walked across the classroom to his seat behind Zayn._

_Liam was about to say something, but was stopped when Louis threw a balled up piece of paper at him grabbing his attention. Liam looked at Louis silently asking what he wanted and Louis raised his eyebrow and crossed his arm silently yet firmly telling Liam to calm his shit._

_Liam let out a sigh and rolled his eyes nodding okay. He turned to Niall smiling his best fake smile. “What’s up mate name’s Liam,” He said introducing himself. “That’s Louis, Harry, and my boyfriend Zayn.”_

#

“So” Zayn’s therapist said looking at him. “What exactly makes you place this particular day as the start of Liam’s behavior verses one of the other days from the past few months?”

Zayn leaned over in the chair placing his head in his hands. “Niall.” He mumbled almost inaudible.

Zayn’s therapist crossed her legs and looked at Zayn with a neutral expression on her face. “Would you mind saying that again Zayn? I was unable to hear you.”

Zayn let out a sigh and lifted up his head. “Niall.” He said again, but this time louder. There was no mistaking what he said this time.

“What about Niall?” She asked.

Zayn leaned back in his chair. He turned his head and began looking at the bookshelf. He didn’t say anything immediately and his therapist didn’t press him to answer. She simply let him stare until he finally found his voice.

“It was like,” He turned his head and looked at his therapist. “It was like he _knew_ me and Niall already knew each other and the thought…” Zayn went quiet.

“Go on?”

He looked down. “It was like I was _his_ and the thought of me having been with anyone else seemed to set him off.”

“Set him off in what way?”

“He got really possessive.” Zayn stated plainly looking up at her.

She nodded her head. She looked down writing something in her notebook and Zayn looked away. He rose from his seat unable to sit still. He nervously tapped his fingers inside his trouser pockets as he went to the window and looked out of it. He stood right there watching the traffic below until he heard movement behind him. When he looked back his therapist had sat down in her swivel chair closest to the window and was now looking at him waiting. Zayn let out a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair as he slid down deciding to sit on the floor.

“I want to go back to Niall for a minute?” his therapist asked.

“Okay.”

“Earlier you stated you believed Niall’s presence was what set Liam off on his current behavior and that Liam suspected you both knew each other?”

Zayn nodded his head. “Yeah.”

“So _do_ you and Niall know each other?” She asked. “Did you know each other before that day?”

Zayn shifted uncomfortably on the ground. _This_ is what he was afraid of getting too. He could remember those days when the accident was still like an opened wound and he began to find company in too many boys _and_ girls. He doesn’t even remember most of their faces or let alone their names. He hadn’t really cared about any of them. He had been too numb to begin to care, but there had been something about Niall that made him unforgettable. It was scary.

“Zayn?” His therapist called bringing him out of his thoughts. Zayn looked over at her. “Go on?”

“We know– _knew_ each other before that day.” Zayn breathed out. “When we saw each other in class we were surprised to see each other.”

“How long had it been since you saw each other?”

“A year.” He paused. “Maybe a bit more.” Zayn said voice shaky. “I met him…” He trailed off. His body was beginning to tremble.

“Zayn?” His therapist began in a soft voice. “How are you feeling?”

“Nervous.” Zayn said still unable to look at her. “Disgusted.” He mumbled under his breath hoping that she didn’t catch it.

“Why do you feel disgusted?”

“Because…” He let out a breath. “Niall was one of the–” He finally looked up at her. His brow was furrowed and his lips tight. “He was one of the guys I let fuck me after the accident. Happy?”

“I’m not a sadist. I don’t get pleasure from your pain Zayn so no I am not happy. You know you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want too.”

“But you still want to know so what’s the difference?”

Zayn stood up and walked over to the bookcase again. He trailed his fingers over the books as he heard the swivel chair following his movements.

“I _would_ like to know.” She answered. “But not because I want to cause you pain. I simply want to try and understand how you’re feeling. I would like to get a better picture of the situation you are currently in. Try and understand Liam’s behavior a bit more.”

Zayn let out a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. He turned around and leaned against the bookshelf and looked down at the floor.

“It was…”

**One Year and Five Months Earlier…**

_The night was cold. The chill wind blew against Zayn’s olive skin. He didn’t care. The numbness in his fingers had nothing to do with the temperature. The light snow that fell didn’t even begin to bother him. He couldn’t feel any of it anyway…not really. He hadn’t been able to feel anything since that day. He could remember the hour that it all stopped; the tears, the shaking, the screaming into his pillow every time he had a nightmare. He could remember the exact moment the darkness seemed to consume him and honestly, he welcomed it. He didn’t care that he only had on his leather jacket with a flimsy long sleeve shirt on under it with a few holes in the bottom. He didn’t care that the leather of his jacket and boots were more of a liability than an asset because it was something he was used too. The cold was always there. The hollow feeling in his chest was constant and the numbness that was now completely coming over his body from the cold didn’t even begin to faze him because it wasn’t anything new. It was old news._

_Zayn pushed off his car and pushed his hand in his jacket pocket pulling out a fag and placing the cartridge back in its place. He got out his lighter and lit the cigarette taking a long drag before finally puffing out. He could see his breath in the cold air as he did this, but again he didn’t care. He concentrated on the orange glow of the fag every time he took a puff and the clouds of white that was produced from the end of it. He concentrated on it for a minute not really wanting to do anything else until he heard the jingle of a bell from a shop behind him followed by the sounds of laughter._

_Zayn turned his head slightly so that he could see the source of it. It was three boys standing inside the doorway of a shop. One of the boys had dark brown skin and he spoke with a heavy accent that was a bit much even to Zayn’s ears. Just inside the shop was a boy with tan skin and brown hair cut into a bowl. Zayn hoped it wasn’t a personal choice. Zayn couldn’t really see much else, but from what he could see, he could tell that he must have been mucking about in the shop. This was further clarified when the third bloke that up until this point Zayn had only seen the side of came running out into the street and flopped down on the curb bursting into laughter. It made Zayn lift up the sides of his mouth a bit in the only somewhatnotreallysmile he had made since the accident. This boy, unlike the other two, had pale skin and dyed blonde hair. Zayn could tell since the roots were a dark brown nearly black, but surprisingly it didn’t look bad. It suited him._

_“And stay out.” Zayn heard as the jingle of the bells filled his ears again followed by three pairs of laughter._

_Zayn turned his head again to see what was going on as he flicked away his cigarette. The shopkeeper was now locking the doors to the shop and turned around with an angry expression on his face as he walked toward the back. Zayn turned his head back toward the group of boys as they were now all huddled together on the ground bursting with laughter. Zayn watched them, as the laughter carried on. Each boy looked like the never-ending bout of laughter would continue for all eternity, but soon it did began to die down._

_“We gotta get up before I freeze my bollocks off.” Zayn heard one of the boys say followed by a series of crunches as the boys presumably got up from the curb._

_Zayn took this opportunity to produce another cigarette and light it looking away from the boys and focusing on the night in front of him. However, as Zayn puffed in and out minding his own business he still paid slight attention to the conversation going on behind him since this was what he was here for. He had done the ‘mysterious stranger’ act so many times he’d lost count by now._

_“Fuck.” Zayn heard the boy with a thick accent say. “I should have never let Frank convince me to do this.” The boy scoffed. “Knew it wasn’t gonna fuckin work anyway.”_

_Laughter filled the night as Zayn listened to the boys he could hear walking slowly in his direction though oblivious to his presence at this point. He took another drag waiting for what would be said next._

_“I’m serious.” The boy with the thick accent spoke again. “Would have fuckin worked had Trent here not decided to start mouthing off.”_

_“Don’t blame me.” Trent, Zayn assumed, spoke. “It’s not entirely my fault.” He paused. Zayn heard more crunching and then nothing._

_Finally. “You.” Trent said. “Were taking to long then Niall here decided he wanted to buy the whole fuckin candy section and well the shopkeeper was acting an arse so whatever. I did what I had to do.” Trent scoffed. “S’not my fault.”_

_“It sort of is though mate.” A strong Irish voice said._

_This made Zayn’s head turn as he looked for the source of the accent even though he had an idea. He had matched the other two voices, which left the Irish accent to belong to the pale blonde boy who was now looking directly at Zayn. The other two boys didn’t notice as they stared at each other. It was so intense that for the first time in forever Zayn finally felt slight warmth beneath his chest. They were staring at each other for so long that it wasn’t until the sounds around them seemed to not be there anymore that they looked away from each other._

_“Niall didn’t you here me?” The boy with the thick accent said looking between Niall and Zayn confusion in his face._

_“No sorry.” Niall said as he looked down. A slight smile came onto his face as he moved it back up meeting Zayn’s eyes again before finally looking at his friend._

_“I said.” The boy with the thick accent began. “How are we suppose to get back to the party when Frank isn’t answering his phone.” Niall huffed out a breath as the boy continued. “Told you should of just drove instead of letting Frank drop us off. Knew his unreliable arse wouldn’t remember. He’s probably off fuckin around with some bird.”_

_Niall huffed out a breath and rubbed at his temple, Zayn guessed he was weighing his options. Zayn knew how this was going to go. He was either going to walk, try Frank again, or ask Zayn for a ride, which Zayn hoped it, was the latter. That was what Zayn came for. All they needed was a reason then either Zayn would end up in their car or they would be in his. After that it wouldn’t take long for whomever the person was, boy or girl, to begin noticing how attractive Zayn was then it always ended the same. Zayn was either fucking the brains out of some girl whose name or face he wouldn’t remember later or letting some guy pound into him so hard as if he could fuck the numbness away that never seemed to leave._

_Zayn got out his phone flicking away the finished cigarette trying to not look like he was waiting around until he heard footsteps coming in his direction. Zayn placed his phone back into his pocket and looked up. Niall was standing in front of him with a hesitant look in his face._

_“Hey um I’m Niall.” Niall said nervously._

_“Zayn.” Zayn answered simply._

_Niall cleared his throat. “Right um I’m not sure if you over heard but I let my friend borrow my car and we don’t know where he’s at and it’s starting to freeze so I was wondering if maybe you could drop us off. It’s not far and you could come if you wanted.” Niall said letting the words tumble out of his mouth. “To the party I mean.” He added as an after thought._

_Zayn stood there for a minute as if he really needed to ponder what he was going to do, although he already knew the answer. Finally, he took his keys out of his pocket and looked directly into Niall’s eyes. “Sure.”_

#

“You met Niall and his friends one day when you decided to wait outside a shop?” His therapist asked.

Zayn twitched in his seat and rubbed the back of his neck. “Um yeah.”

“Why were you waiting outside the shop?” His therapist asked. “Where you waiting on someone or just waiting.”

“Just waiting.”

“For what exactly?”

“For…” Zayn began, but trailed off. He paused trying to find the right word, but couldn’t so he gave up. “Someone.”

His therapist looked at him with the same neutral expression on her face. She put her notepad down and uncrossed her legs. “So you were waiting outside for no apparent reason and then decided to give a boy and his friend’s a ride?”

Zayn rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t waiting out there for any reason I was…” Zayn rose from out of his chair and walked over to the bookshelf again. For some reason the books gave him comfort.

He let out a breath and crossed his arms. He didn’t look back at his therapist. He couldn’t if he was going to tell her this. “I was waiting out there for _someone_ not anyone in particular, but someone who I thought would want to pick me up and…”

“It’s okay Zayn go on.”

“It started one day about 6 months after the accident.” Zayn finally turned around. “I was wandering about two towns over one night because I couldn’t deal and someone picked me up.” Zayn looked down at his feet leaning against the bookshelf and continued. “I don’t even remember his name, but he was older maybe about 27…28… I don’t know. I could tell he was drunk because when he spotted me he smelled like he had just taken a shower in liquor. It didn’t bother me though.” Zayn sank to the floor before continuing. “I’m not really sure how it happened. At that point I hadn’t went out looking for anything I was just trying to get away, but when I was driving the guy home he started looking at me and he kept commenting on how pretty I was to be a guy. I didn’t know what else to do so I smiled at him and in that moment something seemed to click because when I reached his house he invited me up.”

“What happened next?”

Zayn looked down at his hands in his lap. “We fucked.” Zayn said simply. “It was rough and the guy didn’t have any lube. It was my first time so I wasn’t prepared for it. The guy was still very drunk. There was no prep, nothing, he just spat into his hands and pushed into me.” Zayn went silent remembering everything. It was like he could feel his rough hands on him all over again. He didn’t like it. “It hurt like hell. I can say that now, but at the time I didn’t care. I just laid there on my stomach until he was done and when it was over I got my stuff and left.”

Zayn got up from where he was sitting on the floor and went back to his chair. He let out a breath. “I did it again for the next 10 months after that with not just guys, but girls too.”

“And how was it?” His therapist asked.

Zayn laughed with no emotion. “It got better if that’s what you mean. I made a point of always carrying lube so it was better, but it didn’t help. Every time I just laid there because I couldn’t feel a thing. That didn’t matter to the guys though. Most of them weren’t gay or weren’t comfortable with the fact that I was a guy so I’d just lay there on my face until they were done.”

“And the girls.” She asked.

“Now that.” Zayn said shaking his head. “Took more effort on my part. I hated the girls. I knew it then and I can say it now. The girls required more attention and I had to act like I was _actually_ enjoying myself when I wasn’t. Sometimes I could do it, but other times the girls would slap me and tell me to leave.”

Zayn looked up at his therapist. She was writing something down. He looked down at his cellphone still on the arm of her chair face down and wondered if he should look at it. He decided not too because once he did he knew it wouldn’t be good.

She placed her notepad down and folded her hands in her lap and looked at Zayn.

“What about Niall?” She finally asked.

“He was uh…” Zayn faded off. “Niall was different.”

#

_Zayn pulled up to the house and stopped the car. He could already hear the music and he wasn’t even inside. The house, while it wasn’t a mansion, wasn’t what you called small either. Zayn turned off the car and looked at Niall._

_“This is it yeah?” He asked._

_“Yeah it is.” Niall said trying to hide a smile. “Um…” Niall faded off. He looked to the backseat where his friends were still sitting and widened his eyes silently telling them to ‘fuck off’. They got the idea and soon enough Niall and Zayn were sitting in the car alone._

_Zayn looked at Niall through his long lashes. His heart was beating slightly faster than normal, which was weird considering he hadn’t felt a thing since the accident, which was coming up on it’s 2 year anniversary in a few months._

_“So.” Niall said. “Do you want to come in?”_

_“I don’t know.” Zayn said honestly. “Not really my scene anymore and I don’t even know whose party it is.”_

_“Mine.” Niall said blushing. “S’not really my scene either sort of. Generally I don’t mind it as long as I actually like most of the people there.”_

_“Do you like most of the people here?” Zayn asked._

_Niall let out a laugh. “Don’t really have a problem with most of em, but it’s me that most don’t like. They still come though because my friends always wanna have a party and no one else has a space big enough so it always ends up here.”_

_“Even though most of the people that come don’t like you?”_

_Niall nodded. “Even though most of the people don’t like me.”_

_Zayn smiled for the first time in a while. “That’s pretty shit mate.”_

_Niall shrugged. “I don’t really mind.”_

_Zayn looked down at his hands again. He was getting nervous. He heard Niall let out a breath and he looked back over to him. Niall was currently looking at him with something in his eyes. It was something that Zayn had never seen before. It was like for the first time someone was actually seeing him. He wasn’t just a body with a nameless face, but a person. It made him feel special._

_Zayn didn’t understand why he was doing this because everything in his brain was telling him that he should high tail it in the opposite direction because this was bad. This wasn’t the routine. Zayn was just supposed to get some bloke to fuck him to take his mind off of everything for a bit and then he was suppose to leave. He didn’t even know if he actually liked guys yet, but there was something about Niall that made his heart beat and made his skin warm up. It made the numbness begin to fade and feeling to come back to him in a way that didn’t feel good, but it was better. It was better than not being able to feel at all. There was something about Niall that was just…different._

_Zayn let out a breath. “Okay.”_

_A big smile came across Niall’s face. “Okay? Really?”_

_“Yeah,” Zayn said finally. “I gotta warn you though I haven’t done this sort of thing in a while. I’ll probably be a shit guest.”_

_“It’s okay.” Niall said as they got out the car. Niall walked around to the driver’s side and stood in front of Zayn. “I’ll just introduce you to my friends and then we’ll go up to my room if you want. I was probably gonna do that on my own to be honest. Not really feeling up to the party scene today.”_

_“Cool.” Zayn said._

_Niall grabbed his hand. Zayn’s eyes followed the movement and stared at it. He looked down back up into Niall’s blue eyes unsure. He didn’t know what to do._

_“Sorry.” Niall said pulling his hand away, but Zayn stopped him feeling bad._

_Zayn intertwined their fingers and squeezed his hand. “It’s okay.”_

_Niall smiled at him. He led him around the car and up the steps to his house. He looked back at Zayn before opening the door. “Ready?”_

_Zayn nodded his head as Niall opened the door. The music seemed to crash into them like a tsunami as they walked through the crowd. Zayn walked as close to Niall as possible trying his hardest not to read too much into the looks and stares they were getting. He didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but what he did know was that, he wasn’t about to let them get the best of him. So Zayn took a deep breath and straightened up his shoulder’s putting on the fake bravado that used to come so natural to him. Zayn turned his head and saw a girl looking in their direction as Niall walked them through the crowd. Zayn ran his fingers through his hair and winked at the girl before smiling as he turned away from her. He didn’t have to see her reaction to know she was blushing._

_Zayn walked up to Niall’s side when a break in the crowd allowed him too and Niall looked at him and smiled before turning right and leading him into the kitchen where there were a few people drinking beers and talking quietly to their friends. He lead Zayn around the island and out the other side of the kitchen where Zayn could see Niall’s friends in the distance sitting around a large table with about twenty shot glasses and an entire arsenal of different vodka’s surrounding them._

_Zayn held his breath trying to slow the beat of his heart as they neared them. He didn’t know if it worked, but he didn’t have time to think about it because soon they were in front of them and Niall’s friends were all over the pale boy making Niall let go of his hand as each of them hugged him like they hadn’t seen him in years._

_“Alright okay I get it you missed me.” Niall said snaking away from one his guy friends._

_“Missed you?” A girl with brown hair said. “We didn’t miss you at all. We were having so much fun by ourselves.”_

_“Really?” Niall said as his mouth stretched into a smile._

_“Yes.” She said sarcastically. “We were simply wondering when the host of this wonderful party was going to show up.”_

_Niall began to laugh and so did the girl. He stretched out his hands and she jumped into his arms. Niall spun her around. Zayn looked on wondering whom the girl. It would be awkward if that was his girlfriend knowing what they were probably about to go up to his room and do. He watched as Niall put the girl down and she punched him in his arm._

_“You are a crappy host.” She said crossing her arms. “And you do this all the time. Throw parties that you barely show your face at leaving me to do your dirty work. What even is the point?”_

_“So one of you want to have the party at yours for now on do ya?” Niall asked._

_No one said anything. “Exactly so shut your trap and allow me to do what I want at **my** party. My party my rules.” Niall sighed. “Now I want you all to meet someone.” _

_Niall turned around grabbed Zayn’s hand. Zayn walked closer to him squeezing a bit harder than he needed too. All of this was beginning to be too much for him and he just needed to hold onto something because then maybe he wouldn’t pass out._

_“This is Zayn.” Niall said gesturing toward him. “Zayn these are all my friends.”_

_Zayn lifted his hand in a semi wave as everyone waved back at him and began introducing themselves. Zayn didn’t even try to remember everyone’s name because he knew he wouldn’t remember anyway._

_When all the introductions were made the boy with the thick accent, whom Zayn now knew was Miles, pointed at Niall like he had just made a discovery._

_“So.” Miles said. “Now that you’re here we can get the party started.”_

_They all hooped and howled grabbing their shot glasses and tossed the vodka back that was in it. Niall watched them, but instead of join in like Zayn half expected him too he placed his hand over his heart and shook his head._

_“Sorry guys not tonight.” Niall said._

_“Boo.” Miranda, the girl with the brown hair, said as Niall began walking away with Zayn’s hand still in his. “You’re no fun.”_

_“Still love me though.” Niall called behind his back as he turned a corner._

_Niall led him down two hallways until finally they reached a door. He opened it revealing stairs and they walked in. Niall closed the door behind them and locked it. They were halfway up before Niall broke the silence._

_“Sorry about that. My friends, they can be a bit much sometimes, especially Miranda. We’ve known each other since we were in diapers and she’s like the sister I never had.”_

_Zayn let out a breath at the information as they got to the top and walked into a large room. There weren’t any posters on the wall, but there were a lot of little things lines up against the wall with a large bed in the middle of the room. There was also a stereo system set up in one corner of the room, but it wasn’t on. It was only then Zayn noticed he couldn’t hear a thing from the party. Niall must have noticed his confusion because he turned to him._

_“It’s sound proof.” He said motioning around the room. “When my parents first bought this place this room had been a sort of office thing I think. The previous owners they were the ones to make it sound proof. Then when I got old enough I moved up here. It was the only place I could play music without disturbing anyone else or my parents could have a party and I wouldn’t have to hear any of it.”_

_Zayn nodded his head and looked around at the room. He could see about three different guitars in the corner of the room._

_“Where are your parents now?” Zayn asked suddenly._

_Zayn turned away from the guitars and turned around until his face was met with a shirtless Niall staring back at him. It made his cock stiffen in his trousers, which was a first._

_“They’re on their anniversary. Decided to take a cruise and leave me here.”_

_Niall turned around and disappeared into another room. “You can have a seat if you’d like. I’ll be right out.” Niall called from wherever he disappeared too._

_Zayn sat down on the bed and let out a sigh. They were going to do this then he thought to himself as he took off his boots followed by his leather jacket. He stood back up turning his back to the direction that Niall had disappeared too and began taking off his shirt. When he was halfway done he turned around pulling it all the way off to see a now not so shirtless Niall standing in the doorway of what Zayn could now see was his bathroom, staring at him. Zayn was confused. He wrapped his arms around his body and turned away from him._

_“I’m sorry,” Zayn began. “I assumed…”_

_“Shit.” Zayn heard from behind him. He heard walking and then soon enough Niall was standing in front of him again only this time he was so close that they were nearly touching. Zayn didn’t look up though he simply kept his eyes on the ground twitching his fingers until Niall lifted up Zayn’s face with his finger._

_“Hey don’t apologize I should be the one apologizing you must of thought I was such a prick. I didn’t like assume you wanted too you know I just honestly didn’t really feel like the party tonight. It’s not like I wouldn’t you know because I sort of like you even though I’ve only just met you, but you seem cool and I would, but I didn’t bring you up here just so we could. Then with what I said about the room being sound proof…” Niall pushed his fingers through his hair. “You must think I’m such a dick.”_

_Zayn smiled at Niall’s ramble, but lowered his head and sat down on the bed. The smile dropped. “I really should be the one apologizing though. I did assume.” Zayn said. Niall sat down beside him and looked over at him waiting for him to continue. “With everyone else no matter what I do it always leads to that even if it wasn’t what I intended. I guess I’ve just come to expect it so usually I just go for it. Forgot some people aren’t like that.”_

_Niall scooted closer to Zayn and placed his hand on his. “I’m sorry.” Niall began as Zayn raised an eyebrow in confusion. “You deserve so much better than that.”_

_Zayn looked at Niall **really** looked at him for the first time. He starred at his blue eyes and the way his dyed blonde hair was drooping a bit from it’s previous style. He looked at the paleness of his skin and wondered if it would be as soft as it looked underneath his fingertips. Zayn could feel his heart speeding up and he could tell that Niall was studying him just as well as he was doing. It made his fingers twitch and soon enough their palms were beginning to sweat as they intertwined their fingers and squeezed them conveying all of their lust through one simple touch. Yet, neither of them made a move. _

_Zayn’s breathing began to get ragged as he became over whelmed with the sensation buzzing just beneath his tummy. He didn’t know what to do so he pulled his hand away and stood up abruptly facing away from Niall. He let out a breath and ran his fingers through his hair. His heart was beating a mile a minute and his fingers were trembling. He didn’t know what this feeling was, but he was feeling over whelmed and like his chest was about to cave in. He flexed his fist trying to get a handle on himself, but couldn’t and soon he found himself closing his eyes as he began to tremble all over. He doesn’t know how it happened, but soon enough he found him self on the floor hyperventilating with a very concerned Niall kneeling in front of him trying to calm him down._

_“Zayn breaths just breathe.” Niall said._

_Zayn began taking deep breaths trying to calm him self down. He didn’t understand what this was. He had felt a lot of things before, but this was new._

_“Yeah continue to breath.”_

_Zayn dropped his head to his knees that were pulled up to his chest and continued breathing as Niall suggested until finally his heart rate seemed to slow back to it’s normal pace and he was lifting up his head with watery eyes and a flushed face._

_“I’m sorry.” Zayn began. “I’ve never…”_

_Zayn unwrapped his arms from his legs. “I don’t know what that was I just…”_

_“I think it was a panic attack maybe.” Niall said still looking a bit concerned. Niall got up from where he had been sitting and walked over to his mini fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. He sat back down and handed it to Zayn. “My mom she get’s them sometimes.”_

_Zayn took the water and opened it up downing almost half of it down before capping it and setting it aside._

_“I just felt overwhelmed and I didn’t know what to do.” Zayn admitted honestly._

_Niall nodded his head. He reached over and placed his hand on Zayn’s knee and began rubbing it. He looked into Zayn’s eyes._

_“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want too.” Niall said simply._

_Zayn smiled. “It’s not that though.” Niall looked on confused. “I want to do it. I just I’ve never done **this.** ” Zayn says motioning to the entire room. _

_“But I thought you said you’ve been with other people?” Niall asked._

_“I have.” Zayn said simply. “But I’ve never dated really or not seriously at least and I’m not sure I could right now.” He fell silent. He looked down at his hands. “I’m sort of a mess.” He laughed dryly. He looked up at Niall expecting to see something different in his eyes, but nothing was there other than the same look he had been giving him since he saw him. “But the others.” Zayn continued. “The other people I’ve done stuff with never care about me really…emotionally or otherwise. I was just another body–a place holder and when they were finished I would leave.”_

_“Zayn I’m…” Niall began, but Zayn cut him off._

_“It’s okay. I never really wanted too any of those times. I did it, but I never wanted any of them, but with you…” Zayn sucked in a breath. “With you it’s different. I want you and when we were holding hands a minute ago and we were looking at each other, I didn’t know what to do. I haven’t felt much of anything for a long time so it freaked me out a bit even though I liked it.” Zayn began standing up and Niall helped him up as they sat on the bed again in their previous spots. “I didn’t even think me being gay was a possibly until just now.”_

_Zayn looked over at Niall. Niall looked at him for a minute and then reached over and brushed a strand of Zayn’s hair away from his face. Zayn watched as Niall swallowed and his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down._

_It was Niall’s turn to have the trembling voice. “I really want to kiss you?” Niall stated although it sounded more like a question._

_“You can if you want.”_

_“But do you?” Niall asked. “I only want too if you **want** too.” _

_“I do.” Zayn said. “I really do.”_

_Niall grabbed Zayn’s hand and pulled him up from his sitting position and into his lap so that he was straddling him. Zayn sat back and wrapped his legs around Niall’s waist as he experimentally wrapped his hands around the boy’s neck. Niall cupped Zayn’s face and rubbed it with his thumb. Zayn closed his eyes and leaned into the touch absentmindedly swaying his hips so that they rubbed against the very obvious hard on that Niall was sporting._

_“You’re so beautiful.”_

_Zayn opened his eyes. “I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard that.”_

_Niall laughed. “It’s true though.” Niall rubbed his thumb over Zayn’s cheekbones. “You really are.”_

_Zayn stopped moving and tightened his hands around Niall’s neck. “I thought you said you wanted to kiss me?”_

_Niall took that as his cue and pulled him flush to him as he gently touched his lips with his. Zayn wrapped his hands in Niall’s hair as he relaxed into everything and let go. Niall’s lips were soft against his and firm, but not demanding. It wasn’t like the guys he would kiss that would want him docile underneath them and it wasn’t like the girls he would kiss that was too rushed and lacked any feeling. This kiss was anything’s but that. He could feel as Niall took notice of every spot on his lips and allowed each move to mean one thing: I’ve got you. Zayn knew that this was the message and he liked it. He could feel it in the way Niall’s left arm was wrapped protectively around his back holding him to him so close so that no one could possible drag him away. The way his right hand still held his face so that Zayn knew he wasn’t like all the others. It made Zayn’s heart beat faster and it made Zayn more relaxed against the pale boy. It also made his cock grow in his pants, which had never happened with any of the others._

_Niall ran his tongue gently across Zayn’s lips asking for entry. Zayn smiled and parted his lips allowing Niall’s tongue to enter. Niall deepened the kiss then and Zayn wrapped his fingers into Niall’s hair pulling it a bit. His cock continued to grow and so did Niall’s as Zayn began moving his hips around creating friction between Niall’s hard on and Zayn’s bum._

_Niall let out a moan as Zayn did this and let go of the kiss to lean his head against Zayn’s chest because of the sensation. Zayn continued reveling in the noises that were escaping Niall’s lips because of him until Niall’s hands found his hips and stopped them. Zayn looked confused, but Niall just smiled up ay him and pecked his lips again._

_“If you keep doing that I won’t last long.”_

_Zayn responded with moving his hips again, which got another moan from Niall, but he stopped Zayn’s hips again. “If you keep doing this.” Niall said again. “Then I won’t be able to take care of you.”_

_Zayn looked at Niall not really knowing what to do with this information. It was all new to him. No one had ever cared about taking care of Zayn. They always cared about fulfilling their own needs first, never Zayn’s. Niall seemed to notice this because he lifted Zayn up off of his lap and stood up. He placed his hands on Zayn’s shoulder and turned him around so that he was now in front of Zayn and Zayn was standing against the bed. Then without preamble, he dropped to his knees. Zayn’s eyes widened as he realized what he was about to do. He reached down trying to pull Niall back up._

_“You don’t have to do this.”_

_“I know.” Niall said simply. “I want too.”_

_Zayn swallowed as he continued to look down at the pale boy with blue eyes staring up at him. He looked beautiful. It was the first time Zayn could say that. He really thought that he was beautiful especially with the way that he kept looking at him through his lashes as he gently undid Zayn’s trousers and then pulled them down along with his boxer briefs allowing Zayn’s cock to spring out in front of him at full length._

_“I think you should know.” Zayn began slightly panting in anticipation. “That I’ve never gotten a hard on for anyone.”_

_Niall smiled at that and grabbed Zayn’s dick. He pushed the head into his mouth and began bobbing up and down on Zayn’s cock going lower and lower with each down movement. He laid his tongue flat against his shaft as he moved his hand up and down to match the up and down motion of his mouth. Niall pulled almost all the way off his dick until just the head remained in his mouth and began moving the head in and out of his lips. He would push it in swirl his tongue around it and suck moving the head in a circular motion that made Zayn’s knees began to droop as they became weakened._

_Niall looked up from where his mouth was still on the head of Zayn’s cock to find him looking at him with his chest moving in and out as his finger’s trembled where they rested on his stomach. Still looking up at Zayn Niall grabbed Zayn’s hand and moved them to the stop of his head allowing Zayn to curl his fingers in his hair. Niall let go of his cock then only leaving his mouth and began moving up and down on Zayn’s dick again. At first Zayn did nothing, but when Niall looked back up at him, put his hands on top of Zayn’s, and began pushing his own head down Zayn got the memo. After that, Niall didn’t have to do anything other than keep his wet mouth firmly around Zayn’s hard cock as it went in and out of his mouth._

_It didn’t take long for Zayn to be nearing his climax like this. Niall expected it. He wanted it. Niall brought his hand back up to the base of his shaft and brought his mouth all the down until Zayn’s cock was at the back of his throat and swallowed. He bobbed his head a few more time and then went all the way back down and swallowed. He did this a few more time before Zayn was a panting and moaning mess barely able to get any words out._

_“I’m.” Zayn said barely able to talk. “If you don’t want me to shoot in your mouth you need to m…”_

_Niall sank down on Zayn’s dick one more time and that was it. Thick white spurts of cum began shooting into Niall’s mouth as he wrapped his lips around it making sure to get it all. Zayn leaned down placing his hands on Niall’s shoulder for support as he let his climax pass over him and Niall wrapped his arms around Zayn supporting him the best he could until he felt Zayn’s cock go soften in his mouth. He let it slip out allowing his tongue to run over it one last time before standing up._

_“Thank You.” Zayn said hesitantly._

_Niall smiled. “Your welcome.” He grabbed Zayn’s hand and led him on top of his bed where he laid him down and straddled him._

_Zayn looked down at the position they were in and then back up. “You don’t want me to…”_

_“Not today.” Niall said as he placed his hands on Zayn’s hips and began running his fingers over the few tattoos that were there. “I said I wanted to take care of you. Only you.”_

_Zayn let out a shaky breath. “Okay.”_

_Zayn watched Niall closely as he got of the bed and stood at the foot of it. Zayn allowed his eyes to roam over the pale boy’s form as he grabbed his shirt and slowly lifted it over his head and then dropped it onto the floor. Zayn’s heart rate began to speed up and he could see his dick beginning to rise as it began to get hard once more, as he watched Niall bring his hands to the buttons of his trousers. Zayn swallowed as Niall unbuttoned them and then unzipped them slowly all while never breaking eye contact. Niall slipped his jeans down slowly before simply letting them drop to the floor._

_Zayn blew out a breath as he looked up and down Niall’s body. He wasn’t the buffest person in the world, but you could tell he at least did something to keep himself in shape. Zayn could tell from the muscle in his arms and the way that he stood weirdly enough, maybe football, Zayn thought. Zayn’s gaze traveled over Niall’s hard cock and then stopped. He kept his gaze there looking at it for long enough that by the time he tore his eyes away Niall was blushing._

_Zayn ducked his face as his cheeks began to redden and then looked back up. He ran his fingers through his hair and placed his hand on his stomach. Niall’s eyes dropped down following his movement momentarily before looking back up._

_“I definitely think I’m gay.” Zayn said suddenly._

_This made Niall laugh as he finally jumped back on the bed and covered Zayn up with his body. Zayn wrapped his arms around his neck and spread his legs. Niall lowered himself and brought his arms up beside Zayn so that one was by his cheek and the other was playing in Zayn’s hair. Zayn looked down at Niall’s lips. He wanted to kiss them again. He looked back up and to find Niall looking down at his until their eyes met._

_“Can–”_

_“You don’t have to ask.” Zayn answered before Niall could even get the question out._

_“Okay.”_

_Zayn curled his hands into Niall’s hair as their lips met. They were just as soft as when they kissed earlier, but something was different. It wasn’t as slow or reserved. It was firmer almost a question like Niall was wondering how far he could go. Zayn smiled at that, but pulled him closer and then flipped them over. Niall’s eyes widened as he found himself under Zayn. Zayn shrugged his shoulders and then brought their lips back together. He bit Niall’s bottom lip slightly and they parted allowing him to slip his tongue between them. The kiss intensified as their tongues did a synchronized dance against each other and Zayn slipped his hand between them and grabbed Niall’s cock that was hard and leaking._

_A moan escaped Niall’s lips and his head fell back taking in the stream of pleasure shooting through him. Niall allowed Zayn to stroke him a few times before reluctantly grabbing his hand and flipping them back over so that Zayn was underneath him._

_“Tonight’s about you remember?”_

_“Prince Charming.”_

_“What can I say?” Niall said as he reached over to his nightstand and opened the small compartment. He grabbed out a condom and his small bottle of lube. He closed it up and looked back at Zayn who was following his movements. He held up the condom. “Do you want too?”_

_Zayn sat up a bit and grabbed the condom. He opened it and grabbed the base of Niall’s dick and slipped it on._

_“Lay back.” Niall whispered._

_Zayn lay back against the soft mattress as Niall grabbed his legs and moved them further apart. Zayn helped him out by grabbing his legs and bringing them closer to his chest as Niall reached for the lube. Zayn’s fingers began to tremble in anticipation. He could see the clear liquid as Niall let it flow down his fingers and then as he dribbled some down Zayn’s arse making Zayn suck in a breath at how cold it was._

_“It’s a bit cold.” Niall said as an after thought._

_“Thanks babe.” Zayn replied with clear sarcasm._

_He began to smile, but stopped as Niall began rubbing his fingers against his hole. It was still cold, but as Niall continued, moving his fingers around the rim barely pushing in and then pulling out it began not to seem so cold anymore. Zayn’s skin began to get sheen of sweat as the pleasure began to run high just waiting for the moment when Niall would just push in._

_Niall watched as Zayn’s body began to tremble at his touch. He could tell by the way Zayn was flexing his fingers and going in between clutching the comforter to not holding it all that he just wanted him to get on with it. So Niall began to push in one finger and instinctively Zayn tightened himself around it._

_“Relax.” Niall said as he grabbed the bottle of lube and dribbled some more onto his finger._

_Niall pushed in some more and Zayn arched his back off of the bed as shock waves went through his body. Niall brought his finger back out just barely leaving the tip in and pushed it back in curving it a bit when he was inside, searching for the right spot._

_Zayn opened his eyes from when they slipped close to find blue eyes staring back at him. Zayn bit his lip still looking at Niall and began slipping his hand down his stomach. The movement of Niall’s fingers inside him became faster the closer he got until he touched the tip of his leaking cock and Niall pushed in again, but this time the stretch was bigger._

_Zayn moaned as Niall began moving both his fingers in and out going faster and harder every few strokes. Zayn tugged lightly at his cock and Niall watched curling his fingers up and twisting them. He pushed them in as far as they would go and began fucking Zayn with just his fingers. Zayn let go of his cock as the sensation of both grew to be too much. He opened his mouth about to speak when Niall hit the right spot and his back arched off the bed again and his eyes flew shut._

_“Fuck okay like if we’re doing this then I think you need to do it because I could come just like that if you keep at it.” Zayn said as he moved his hips in time with the movement of Niall’s fingers even as he began to slip them out._

_Niall stopped Zayn’s movements and grabbed his cock and began to tug slowly at it. He swore under his breath as he lined it up with Zayn’s hole and began pushing in going slowly until it was all the way in. Niall rolled his hips pushing in deeper and Zayn scrunched up his face letting out a soft hiss as Niall gently grazed his prostate. Zayn lifted up off the bed and grabbed Niall’s hips pulling him in closer. Niall leaned down and Zayn wrapped his legs around his waist as Niall captured his lips. He began rolling his hips faster as Zayn pushed against him matching his movements so that he swiped against Zayn’s prostate with every other hip roll. They continued to kiss like this until Niall broke the kiss and they locked eyes. They both wanted more. They both needed more so Niall leaned back up unwrapping Zayn’s legs from his waist and put his arms behind them lifting them up toward Zayn as he leaned down again holding himself up with his hands on the bed. Niall thrust hard into Zayn and deeper than he had before. In this new position, he could hit Zayn’s prostate with every thrust and he could go deeper than he could before. Niall began thrusting into Zayn hard and deep making sure to hit his sweet spot ever single time. Half swears and grunts tumbled out of Zayn’s mouth as he was unable to form real words and Niall’s breathing became heavier. They began to kiss again and Niall started to speed up letting a moan slip from his lips. Zayn brought his hand down to Niall’s arm and grabbed it like he was holding on for life. Niall leaned down and left a trail of kisses from Zayn’s shoulder to Zayn’s neck and then finally to his lips as he continued to thrust keeping the same pace. He pulled away slightly and bent down close to Zayn’s ear and kissed his neck._

_“You look so good like this.” Niall whispered beginning to roll his hips again in between thrust as he slowed his movements down again so that he could switch positions._

_Niall lifted up and looked down at Zayn’s flushed face and then at his chest as it moved up and down with each breath. He began speeding up again and grabbed Zayn’s legs placing them on top of his shoulders. Zayn wrapped his hands around his cock and began jerking himself off using his precum to wet it and make the movements smoother._

_“Fuck.” Zayn swore as he began tugging at his dick faster._

_Niall sped up thrusting in as hard, deep, and fast as he could. He leaned over and braced himself on his mattress just so he could get a better angle. He hit Zayn’s prostate with each thrust and with each thrust, he rolled his hips at the end so that he didn’t just hit it but allowed the head of his cock to graze against it too._

_Zayn let go of his cock as he began to feel something growing in his stomach. He could feel himself tightening around Niall’s large cock and his dick felt like it was about to explode with each thrust to his prostate. He leaned his head back and put his hands into the duvet grabbing it until he was white knuckled and his heart felt like it was going to come out of his chest._

_Zayn let out a shaky breath as he opened his eyes and looked at his reddening cock._

_“Niall.” He moaned as he let his head drop back down. He just needed a release._

_“Look at me.” Niall said as he wrapped his right hand around Zayn’s neck to help lift him up. “Just look at me.”_

_Zayn stared into Niall’s blue eyes as he drilled into him not once breaking eye contact. Incoherent noises were leaving his mouth as his he wrapped his arms around Niall’s back pulling him in closer. His cock began rubbing against their chest as Niall’s thrusting shook him creating the little pressure that pushed him over the edge. White cum shot from out of Zayn’s cock and leaked onto their chest. Watching Zayn come undone beneath him sent Niall over the edge and soon enough he was releasing into Zayn thrusting in a few more time until his cock grew soft and he pulled out. He pulled the condom off and tied it off and threw it into his bedside bin._

_Niall laid down beside Zayn and looked over at him still breathing heavy._

_“That was…”_

#

“Zayn.” His therapist said for the thousandth time. “Zayn did you hear me?”

Zayn shook his head letting the memory fade away and looked back at his therapist.

“Sorry.” Zayn whispered. “Spaced out.”

Zayn leaned back in his chair and watched his therapist write in her notepad. When she was done, she looked up at him.

“Okay So I want to get back to the day Niall arrived at your school if that’s alright with you?”

Zayn shrugged his shoulders “Okay.”

“Since the night that you spent with Niall and he…” Zayn watched as his therapist struggled to find a less crude word for _‘fucked’_. “…Helped you.” She finally got out. “Did Niall and you remain in contact?”

“No. After I left the next day, we didn’t talk again. Everything sort of blew up in my face the next week so.” Zayn faded off.

“So beyond the both of you being surprised at seeing one another was there something else that you believe might have given Liam the idea that you and Niall were previously involved?”

Zayn laughed dryly. Nothing was funny. “Liam doesn’t need much to be set off. It could be a look or a whisper. I don’t even have to be near Niall or any guy all I have to do is _look_ like I’m talking about them and then.” Zayn gestures toward the faded bruise on his arm.

His therapist eyes traveled to the bruise and then back up to Zayn. She picked up her notebook and wrote something down for a long time. Zayn could tell she must have been thinking about something. Zayn looked away from her and then around the room stopping at the clock on the wall. His session was going on two hours.

Zayn cleared his throat. “Um I don’t mean to interrupt you, but my session should have been over an hour ago.”

His therapist put her notebook down. “This is my off day. I came in when you called.”

Zayn stared at her. He didn’t know how to respond to that.

“It’s okay.” She said still looking at him. “When you called you sounded distressed. I haven’t seen you in two months. I knew you needed someone to talk to and…” She uncrossed her arms and sat her notebook on the arm of the chair. “…Off the record as someone who has dealt with the Payne’s for a number of years and as someone who cares about you I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” She picked back up her notebook. “So this session can be as long as you like or as long as it needs to be.”

Zayn got up from the chair and walked over to the couch and laid down staring up at the ceiling.

“Okay” She said as she picked up her pin and began tapping against her thigh. “I want to ask you a question that may be difficult to answer.”

Zayn turned his head and looked at his therapist.

“So far we’ve talk about a lot of things. We’ve talked about Niall. We’ve talked about your behavior after the death of your father and sisters, but what we haven’t talked about is what made you come and see me today.” Zayn looked away. She leaned forward. “According to everything you told me the worst of all this started two months ago correct?” Zayn didn’t answer. “So what happened that made you call me now after two months?”

Zayn’s voice trembled as he let out a breath. He turned on his side with his back to his therapist and stared at the emotionless brown leather he was laying on. A tear trickled down his face. His fingers began to shake as he could feel himself begin to cry. He sucked it in trying to pull his self together with no luck because the tears just continued to come. Eventually he accepted that they wouldn’t stop and closed his eyes. _It will be easier to talk this way._

“I’ve been avoiding Liam for two months.” Zayn began barely above a whisper. “I haven’t sent him a text or a call in two months and…” Zayn turned around and faced his therapist. His eyes were bloodshot and his face flushed “…and it’s killing me.” He said voice breaking at the end. “It’s killing me not to talk to him and be around him, but it kills me just as much to be around him and always have to be on edge,” Zayn sat up on the couch and wiped away his tears as his voice began to rise. “Wondering if I said something wrong or if I’m going to look at some random guy the wrong way at school and if we’re going to get into a fight and if I need to start buying my own foundation because I don’t know if my mum’s beginning to notice. I don’t know if Liam cares anymore because he says he loves me all the time. He always says it but then one wrong thing and the next thing I know there’s a bruise on my arm or I’m lying on the floor staring back at someone that I barely know, but then…” Zayn got up from the couch and yanked his fingers through his hair as he paced. “Next thing I know he’s apologizing and I keep believing him like he’s going to change the next second, but then it happens again and again and again over and over and every time I believe him until I just. I couldn’t. I snapped.” Zayn collapsed into the chair as if he suddenly lost the energy to stand. “I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Zayn.” His therapist said looking directly into Zayn’s eyes. “What happened?”

Zayn let out a breath. “It was the Friday after Niall came. Me, Liam, and our mates were having a movie night at Liam’s. It’ was just suppose to be us, but then Niall showed up and Louis invited him.” Zayn said through gritted teeth. “He had Liam on edge all week because he just kept trying to talk to me and no matter how many hints I tried to give him he just couldn’t get a clue and it had Liam…” Zayn didn’t finish the thought. “And I wanted to talk to Niall it wasn’t as if I didn’t but with Liam I knew I couldn’t but then that night it just got worse. I kept forgetting not to talk to Niall and Liam just kept getting pissed off. All the boys got on with him like they’d always knew him, which pissed Liam off even more. Then when I went out to smoke Niall followed me out…”

#

_Zayn’s fingers trembled as he leaned against the balcony railing and took a long drag. He was happy to be out of there. It seemed he was the only one who could recognize that the turn up of Liam’s smile was just slightly bordering on deranged. Liam was upset. He was beyond upset and Niall… Zayn blew out and dropped his head thinking about the pure obliviousness of the pale boy. Zayn was sort of happy Niall hadn’t caught on by now, but it was also a bad thing that he hadn’t because that meant his interaction with Zayn just continued to happen and as Zayn snuck looks that he hoped Liam didn’t see he knew everything was getting worse. He just had to get out there. He figured if he just smoked a bit then he would calm down and maybe the situation would simmer and die._

_Zayn took another drag as the balcony door began to open. He tensed up as he looked behind him, but let out a breath when he saw it was only Niall._

_“Figured you were out here?” Niall said as he walked over. Zayn held his cigarette out to him, but Niall declined. Zayn shrugged his shoulders and went back to smoking._

_“Your friends are nice, although,” Niall said fading off. Zayn turned and looked at him as he blew a cloud of smoke from his mouth. Niall began to smirk. “I think your boyfriend’s afraid I’m trying to steal you away.”_

_Zayn chocked on the puff he had just exhaled and dropped the cigarette as he tried to regain his regular breathing. Niall began patting Zayn on his back while trying to suppress the laughter that was bubbling over, but was unsuccessful._

_So Niall isn’t so oblivious, Zayn thought to himself as his breathing went back to normal. He walked over to one of the balcony chairs and sat down as Niall followed him._

_“You okay.” Niall said full on laughing now that he knew Zayn was okay._

_Zayn tried to keep a straight face, but as the Irish boy continued to laugh Zayn couldn’t help, but find him self laughing along with him. This is what he liked about Niall. It was so easy with him. Niall was so carefree it was a bit of a change of pace from how tense he usually stayed around Liam. If he actually liked Niall romantically then he has no doubt they’d probably been dating since the moment they met, but since Zayn only saw Niall as a friend that wasn’t even a possibility. If only Liam could see that._

_Their laughter died down as Niall got out his phone. Zayn watched as he searched through his phone until he found whatever it was he was looking for and looked back up._

_“Do you remember Frank?” Niall asked._

_Zayn nodded his head. “The own that took your car and left you standing out in the cold.”_

_“Yeah.” Niall held up his phone and showed Zayn his screen. It was a picture of Niall and Frank. Frank was sitting in a chair with Niall in his lap taking a very cute selfie Zayn had to admit. Niall was curled into Frank neck and a blush was on his cheeks as Frank kissed the top of his head. Zayn looked up from the screen with a raise of his eyebrow. Niall couldn’t contain the smile on his face. “We’re sorta dating now.” Niall began. He clicked the picture away and then put his phone back in his pocket before continuing. “After you left that day Frank ignored me for practically a month. Every time I tried talking to him, he was off with some girl or making up an excuse as to why we couldn’t hang out. So one day I caught him off guard and made him tell me what was up and I expected him to say something I did, but then he starting going on about you.”_

_“Me.” Zayn said confused._

_“He kept going on about **‘the olive boy’** I brought to the party and how I didn’t have to show you off like that and about how it was so obvious that we’d slept together and–”_

_A glass crashed to the ground. Niall stopped as he and Zayn looked toward the source of the noise. Zayn sucked in a breath as he saw Liam standing there red eyed and brows furrowed with his broken glass in front of his feet. It was now forgotten. Zayn got up as Liam began walking over trying his best to leave Niall out of this._

_“Liam…no look…it’s not,” Zayn began stuttering as his heart began to race. “It’s not what you think I promise it’s n–”_

_Liam pushed completely past Zayn ignoring him and continued toward Niall._

_“Look Liam mate it’s not what you th–”_

_Liam’s fist crashed into Niall’s face making the boy fall over out of shock and into the small glass table that was in-between the two chairs. The table fell behind him breaking as Niall cupped his jaw and rubbed at his now bleeding lip._

_Niall looked up with anger and confusion in his eyes. “What’s your problem?” Niall yelled from where he was on the ground._

_Zayn could hear more footsteps coming in their direction as he rushed over to Niall’s side._

_“Are you okay?” Zayn asked attempting to help Niall up, but was stopped short when a hand that Zayn knew was Liam’s put a death grip on his arm and pulled him away from the pale boy on the ground._

_“So you’re sleeping with him.” Liam yelled at Zayn. Zayn winced as the grip on his arm grew tighter and tighter. “After everything you said about **‘oh I barely know him Liam’ and ‘I haven’t slept with anyone since you Liam’”** Liam slammed Zayn up against the hard brick wall. Zayn swore as his head hit even harder since Liam’s right hand held Zayn against the wall by his neck restricting Zayn’s breathing. Zayn’s head began to throb and he could feel a wetness in the back of his head that hadn’t been there a couple seconds before. He tried lifting his head away from the wall to see, but Liam slammed his head back again gripping his neck even tighter as his anger increased. “So what are you a slut? Are you sleeping with all the boys in town again? One cock isn’t good enough for you? Gotta go off fucking every guy in town is that it?”_

_Louis and Harry ran out onto the balcony. They gasped falling motionless as they looked out at the scene in front of them. Zayn turned his head faintly and looked at Louis through his peripherals, but Liam tightened his grip and Zayn brought his eyes back to his boyfriend._

_“Liam.” Niall and Louis both said at the same time._

_Niall swallowed, but walked over slowly. “You need to calm down.” Niall said placing his hands on Liam’s shoulder. Liam let go of Zayn who toppled over gasping for breath and clutching his arm. Both Louis and Harry ran over helping him up as Liam began backing Niall toward the railing of his balcony._

_“I don’t know who you think you are, but Zayn’s mine.” Liam said voice getting huskier. His face was beginning to redden and his fist beginning to curl. “Zayn has always been mine and will always be mine. So don’t text him, don’t call him, don’t even look at him because if you do I’m going to–”_

_“I’m done.” Zayn said cradling his arm as he stood beside Louis and Harry._

_Liam stopped mid sentence and turned around with a raised eyebrow. “What are you talking about Zayn?” Liam asked incredulously._

_“I’m done.” Zayn said. He took a step forward. Louis held onto him protectively, but Zayn looked back at him with a straight face. “It’s okay.” Louis let go. He faced Liam again. “I said I’m done.”_

_Liam didn’t move one inch from where he still had Niall backed into his balcony railing. He began to laugh. “Don’t be serious Zayn you’re not going anywhere.”_

_Zayn looked away from Liam and reached into his pockets. He grabbed his set of keys to Liam’s house and threw them toward him. They landed at his feet._

_“Believe me now?” Zayn asked with a blank face._

_Liam’s face fell. He stepped away from Niall and took a step toward Zayn. Louis and Harry took a step forward as well so that they were again right beside Zayn._

_“Babe look I’m sorry okay. I’m really sorry.” Liam began to plead, but Zayn didn’t care. He’d heard it all before._

_“Let him go Liam.” Zayn said firmly._

_Liam looked back and moved out of Niall’s way. Niall walked over toward the other boys as they continued to look at Liam._

_“Now will you stay Zayn?” Liam asked. “Please don’t go. I promise I’ll never do it again, I promise okay. I–”_

_“I said I’m done Liam.” Zayn said finally. “I can’t do this anymore.”_

_Zayn turned away from him and looked at the rest of the boy’s. “Can one of you take me to the hospital I think I may have a concussion.”_

_“I drove so I can take you.” Niall said._

_Zayn nodded his head. Niall took Zayn around the waist to help support him._

_“So you leaving me for him are you?” Liam said anger back again as he looked at this._

_“Haz.” Louis said looking at Harry. “Could you go with them to the hospital make sure Zayn’s alright?”_

_“You’re such a slut. You’re such a slut.” Liam continued to yell._

_“But will you–” Harry began._

_“No one loves you. No can love you, but me Zayn.”_

_Louis smiled at Harry ignoring Liam’s yelling. “I’ll be okay.”_

#

“After that we left. Harry drove Niall’s car and took us to the hospital.”

“And what of Liam?” His therapist asked. “Do you know what happened after you all left?”

“No.” Zayn said shrugging his shoulders. “When we left the house I could still hear him yelling, Louis was yelling at him too. We could hear them from the street.”

She nodded her head. “So when you called me today?”

“I was on my way to Liam’s but I got nervous and called you instead. I was supposed to meet him at his house like two and half hours ago.”

Zayn’s therapist put her notepad down. She reached onto the table and turned off her recorder.

“I think you need to talk to him.” She said simply. Zayn looked away. “I know that seems scary given what has happened between you both in the past, but I think that it would be conducive to your relationship if you both talked to each other on the issues that you have. You both have things in your past that aren’t going to go away. These things are permanent fixtures in your life and unless you both talk about them and get them out in the open I’m afraid that there may be no repairing your relationship.”

Zayn sighed. He grabbed his leather jacket and stood up.

“I know that Liam has a hard time talking about certain things,” Zayn’s therapist stood up and held out Zayn’s phone to him. “But if you could get him to talk about those things. If you could get him to tell you what he really is afraid of then I think that’s the key to fixing this.”

Zayn grabbed his phone and put it in his pocket. “Thanks.”

“You’re Welcome.”

Zayn’s therapist walked him to her door stopping in the threshold watching as Zayn walked away. Zayn patted at his leather jacket looking for his cigarette’s.

“Zayn.” He heard from behind him as he finally found the packet. He turned around and his therapist was standing right outside her door.

“If you need to come in again just call. I don’t care when or what time it may be. If you need to talk call me.”

Zayn held his thumb up as he shook a cigarette out of the packet and then lit it. He put the packet and lighter back in his pockets and turned around walking toward where his car was parked at the end of the street. Zayn smoked taking long drags as he walked to his car. He didn’t even pay attention to the looks he got from certain people. He just enjoyed his cigarette until he got to his car and flicked it out.

Zayn reached in his pocket and pulled out his car keys. He walked over to the driver’s side and began opening up his car, but stopped as he saw a small piece of paper in his windshield wiper.

“Fuck.” Zayn said. He pulled the ticket out and opened up his car. He threw it into the passenger seat and drove away.

#

Zayn took a drag as he waited for Liam to come to the door. He tapped his fingers against his side as the door finally began to open.

“I called you.” Liam croaked out as he stood at the door.

Zayn froze. He took a small step back and looked at the boy in front of him.

“Don’t.” Liam whispered barely reaching out before he stopped himself and brought his hand back in.

“Liam.” Zayn said with wide eyes. “What’s happened to you?”

Zayn didn’t know what to do as he stood there looking at him. Zayn had thought that he had been the one most affected by this, but as he stood there, he was forced to reevaluate. The bags under Liam’s eyes seemed to sink deep into his face and his skin had begun to take on a sort of pale complexion that usually only happened when you’ve been really sick. He had a nervous twitch that resonated through his entire body and his eyes darted all over Zayn as if he couldn’t find one part of him to focus on. His body seemed smaller. It didn’t have as much muscle definition as it did two months ago. Zayn wondered how he hadn’t noticed any of this before now.

Zayn let out a breath. He took one last puff of his cigarette and tossed it away walking past Liam and into the house.

“I’m sorry I was late.” Zayn said as he looked around. Everything looked the same yet everything felt different. He turned around. “Something came up.”

“Where were—” Liam began, but stopped. He balled his hands into a fist and squeezed his eyes closed. He began breathing heavy. He opened his eyes, which now held a spark of its familiar fire and let out a breath shaking out his hand as he did. “I’m sorry.” He began letting the tension fall from his shoulders. “I was worried about you.”

Liam walked past Zayn toward his bedroom and Zayn followed. Liam closed he door once they’d both entered and Zayn took off his leather jacket laying it on Liam’s computer chair. They fell silent as Zayn joined Liam on his bed. It was an awkward silence Zayn had to admit. The air was filled with words that were never said. Zayn knew he had to release them.

Zayn looked over at Liam to find him already staring at him. “We need to talk.”

“I know.” Liam said softly. “I wanted to say that I’m—”

“I just really need to get some stuff out first.” Zayn said turning to face Liam.

Zayn ran his fingers through his hair. “I love you Liam. I really do.” Liam smiled. “I don’t think I’ve loved anyone as much as I love you ever since my dad and sisters died, but this,” Zayn gestured between the two of them. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Zayn I thou—”

“I do love you, don’t ever doubt that, but the stuff you make me go through in order to be with you. It’s unbearable. I can’t take it. I can’t breathe when I’m around you. It’s like either you’re raging mad or apologizing after you’ve been horrible to me. Then we do it all over again every single day. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know whom I can talk too. I’m afraid that if I do the wrong thing or talk to the wrong person or forget to text back or can’t answer your call I’m going to set you off and then…” He paused. “Just look at how you were when I first came, what you did to Niall, and what you did to me. I have a bruise on my neck and I had staples in my head from you flipping out on me. It’s almost like I have to prove my love to you as if I’m going to up and leave. It shouldn’t be that way Liam.”

“I know.” Liam began. “It’s just I’m afraid I’ll lose you. I can’t.” Liam said accenting the word. “Lose you. I just can’t.”

“But you also can’t control me. You have to trust me.”

“I do Zayn. I trust you.”

“Ensuring that I stay, by taking away my ability to leave isn’t the same thing as trusting me.”

“But you’ll leave.”

Zayn let out a sigh. “Liam I’m right here.”

“But you did leave.” Liam paused. “Once.”

“Because you wouldn’t let me breath.” Zayn nearly shouted. “You can’t control me Liam. You can only control yourself. I’m not like your parents I’m not going to up and leave at random and not say anything. I’m not them and until you understand that, we can’t be together. I can’t do it.”

Zayn got off the bed in a rush. He could feel the familiar sensation building in his throat that said he was about to begin to cry. He grabbed his leather jacket off the chair and rushed out of the room practically running down the steps.

“You want to talk about trust.” Liam shouted. Zayn froze just inside Liam’s kitchen. “You won’t even let me fuck you.” Zayn turned around tears forgotten as anger took over. Liam walked into the kitchen. “But Niall oh Niall can fuck you.”

“That’s not fair.” Zayn said pointing at Liam. “That’s not fair and you know it.” Zayn walked up to Liam until they were face to face. “When I met Niall I. Could. Not. Feel.” Zayn said stressing each word. “Don’t you get it? I couldn’t feel. I hadn’t felt anything since my dad and sisters died, but then I met Niall. Out of all the people, I’d ever let fuck me I’d never felt a fucking thing, but there was something about Niall that changed that. Something about him made me feel again and I wanted it to last. He didn’t judge me. He didn’t care that I didn’t want anything from him. All he wanted was to make me feel because he knew that’s what I needed. He was the first thing, not just person, but thing that elicited some type of emotional response other than the soul crushing numbness that I’d felt since the day they died so excuse me for wanting to indulge in that.” Zayn stepped closer. “And if you’re concerned about whether I’ve let anyone fuck me or not the answer is no like I have told you a million times. No, I haven’t let anyone fuck me since Niall and that was nearly a year and a half ago. I’m just not ready. **I’m** not ready and you expect me to trust you, but you can’t even get it through your head that I’m not comfortable with letting anyone do that to me yet with out feeling like an entitled arsehole.”

Zayn turned around and began walking away.

“Fine.” Liam shouted. “If you don’t want to be with me then maybe I shouldn’t be here seems like no one wants me anyway so maybe I’d be better off.”

“Oh come of it Liam.” Zayn said as he turned around, but then froze. His mouth was partly open and his pupils dilated.

Liam had a butcher knife in his hand. His eyes were red and tears wet his cheeks as he continued to shout with the knife hovering over his wrist. “You don’t want me. My parents don’t care. You don’t trust me. I can’t fuck you. You’re going to leave anyway so I might as well just end it. There’s no use of me being here anymore.”

“Liam.” Zayn said softly. “Put the knife down.”

“Why should I?” Liam said. “You’re leaving anyway.”

“I’m not gonna leave.” Zayn said as he walked toward Liam. He took off his leather jacket and threw it not really caring where it landed. “I’m staying okay.” Zayn toed off his boots the best he could without breaking eye contact. “I’m gonna stay.”

Zayn reached Liam and slowly put his hand over the knife. “Give me the knife okay. I’m gonna stay just give me the knife.” Liam slowly let go of the knife and Zayn grabbed it. He put it on the counter and let out a breath.

Liam wrapped Zayn up in a hug and leaned his face into his neck. Zayn flinched automatically, but then made him self relax as he cautiously wrapped his hands around Liam.

“I knew you’d stay.” Liam said nuzzling himself further into Zayn’s neck.

“Yeah.” Zayn said blankly not really knowing what else to say or do. “I’m here.” He wrapped his arms tighter around Liam and looked off at the white kitchen around him wondering why none of this felt right.

#

“Zayn?” Liam said suddenly.

They were lying in Liam’s bed now cuddling. Zayn was the little spoon again. Liam had his head lying comfortably behind Zayn’s neck smelling his hair while Zayn just lied there staring at the opposite wall in the room. Zayn knew Liam hadn’t noticed that he was acting different. He wondered if Liam even cared.

“Yeah?” Zayn asked not wanting to turn around.

“Can we maybe—”

Zayn sighed. “Liam I told you I’m not ready.”

“I know.” Liam said pulling Zayn closer to him. “I just I know I can make you feel good. I can be good. It could be good for both of us.”

Zayn rolled his eyes and continued to lie there. He closed his eyes trying to think about something else when Liam slipped his hand under Zayn’s boxer briefs and grabbed his dick. Zayn’s eyes shot open as he realized what Liam was doing.

“Liam.” Zayn gritted out trying to remove Liam’s hand. “I said no alright like can we just cuddle.”

“I don’t believe you.” Liam whispered into Zayn’s ear as he continued to palm him.

Zayn’s breathing began to get heavier as his heart rate began to speed up with added panic as the unwanted sensations Liam was causing went through his body.

“Liam,” Zayn said trying to not give in to the sensations, Liam was causing. “I said to stop. I’m not joking.”

Liam ignored him as Zayn’s cock began to get hard under his hand. He bent down trying to kiss Zayn’s neck, but missed as Zayn yanked Liam’s hand off his cock and flipped him over pinning Liam’s hands above his head.

“Liam.” Zayn said through clenched teeth. He was seething—panic quickly rising as he realized what Liam was on the verge of doing or what Liam _would_ do if he didn’t stop him _now_. “I’m not gonna say it again okay babe just don’t.” Zayn let go of Liam’s hands and let out a sigh running his hands through his now sweat slicked hair.

Instead, Liam simply flipped them over, ignoring Zayn’s warnings, and did the same to him only his hands were on either side of Zayn’s head. “Then don’t.” Liam said playfully and connected their lips.

Zayn’s gasped as Liam began kissing him. He put his hands up against Liam’s chest just trying to push him off, but only succeeded in egging him on. Liam grabbed Zayn’s hand forcibly intertwined their fingers and ground down against Zayn’s dick creating friction and eliciting a muffled moan from the boy under him.

Liam pulled away from Zayn’s lips and Zayn turned his head into the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut. Liam brought his mouth down on Zayn’s neck and began sucking a love bite into his skin. When he was done, he pulled back and looked at his handy work.

“You look so beautiful like this.” Liam said.

Zayn turned and looked at Liam through narrowed eyes. His chest rising and falling with barely contained fury. Liam either didn’t notice or chose not to care because Liam smiled at him and bent down to kiss him again, but Zayn turned his head and it landed against his neck.

Zayn took in a long silent breath as he looked at the wall opposite him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop him and fighting him was doing nothing but making it worse so he decided to stop fighting and just let it happen.

Everything seemed to go in slow motion after that as he could feel Liam still moving his wet lips across his skin where he continued to lay kisses there. He could feel the hardness of his cock straining against his briefs and the hardness of Liam’s. He could feel the sheen of sweat as it covered their bodies and the determination in each and every one of Liam’s movements. He tried to ignore it pushing everything away hoping to find the numbing space he’d been every other time he’d done this after the accident, but it never came and Zayn knew for first time he wished it’d suffocate him now.

Zayn let out the breath as he tried to relax his body. He closed his eyes one more time before opening them up and turning over on his stomach. Liam smiled above him and reached to his bedside table and grabbed the lube sitting there. Zayn brought his hands above his head and fisted them into the pillow as he waited on Liam.

Liam put the lube down and took off his briefs throwing them to the floor before helping Zayn with his. When Zayn was completely naked Liam clicked open the bottle of lube and grabbed his cock. He dribbled lube onto his hard member and began stroking it until it was completely covered. He dropped the bottle of lube to the floor and began to open Zayn up. He smoothed the remaining lube from his hand down the crease of Zayn’s ass and used his cock to spread it around until he was done.

Liam lined himself up as he kissed Zayn’s lower back. “You’re so beautiful.” He whispered again and began pushing in.

Zayn held his breath and bit down on the pillow. The stretch of Liam’s cock in him was too much. He knew with no prep and having not been fucked in almost a year and half it wouldn’t feel good. A groan escaped his lips every move Liam made even though he tried to hold his breath until he bottomed out and paused. Zayn loosened his grip on the bed and tried to relax his body, but he couldn’t. It stung despite the lube Liam covered his dick in. He wanted nothing more than to push Liam’s heavy cock out of him, but he knew that would almost be worse.

Liam watched Zayn from above him and when he saw his boyfriend grip loosen, he began to move.

“Fuck.” Liam groaned out. “You’re really tight.”

Zayn opened his mouth, but couldn’t speak as his body was hit with waves of pain. He bit down on his lip refusing to give Liam the satisfaction of any sound and widened his eyes as the movements above him began to get faster whilst his body finally became used to the stretch. Liam grabbed Zayn’s hips and lifted them a bit allowing him to go deeper. With this new position, he slammed into Zayn making a very loud moan escape Zayn’s lips despite him trying to hold it in. Zayn gripped the bed until he was white knuckled as Liam continued to pound into him relentlessly. He couldn’t control it and despite his body being assaulted with immeasurable pleasure, he felt tears pooling at the brim of his eyes. He didn’t want this. The pleasure wasn’t right it wasn’t _genuine_ he couldn’t explain it, but he felt disgusted.

Soon enough Zayn could fill the sensation building in his gut and he could feel the tightness of his balls and hardness of his cock, as they wanted release. He reached underneath himself and gripped his cock pulling against the friction created with the bed. More moans began tumbling out of Liam’s mouth, as he grew closer to his release and Zayn begrudgingly submitted to the pleasure as he pushed himself over the edge. Wetness filled his hand and Liam’s movements above him became erratic until finally he was coming too. Liam collapsed face first on the bed right next to Zayn. He reached over and ran his hands down Zayn as he smiled at him.

“Love you.” Liam whispered out.

Zayn tensed his shoulders. He sat up in the bed swinging his legs over and stood up facing away from Liam. He reached down grabbing his briefs and pulled them on clenching his teeth as sparks of pain hit him. Zayn’s body began to tremble despite him trying to seem nonchalant as he walked over to his leather jacket. He grabbed out his lighter and cigarettes and slid Liam’s room balcony door open. He walked outside.

The night was cold and the wind blew lightly as Zayn sat down on the chair. He pulled out a cigarette with unsteady fingers and placed it between his lips. It took him about 30 seconds to light it, but when he did he was grateful. He took a long puff and held it in before finally letting it out. He held the cigarette between his fingers and leaned back in his chair allowing the nicotine to calm him down. He closed his eyes letting the sounds of the city fill his ears. He could escape for just a few minutes as long as he kept his eyes closed and pretended.

Zayn let out an exasperated sigh. The feeling hovering over his entire body wouldn’t seem to go away. He took another puff and then dropped his head. He rubbed at his temple and ran his fingers through his hair becoming frustrated as the feeling continued to grow. He stood up suddenly and flicked his cigarette off the side of the building. He shook his head and flexed his fingers as a tingling sensation came over them. Zayn brought his hand up to the railing of the balcony and squeezed it until he could feel soreness in his hands. He looked down and squeezed his eyes closed as the brim of his eyelids became glossy. He let go of the railing. He tried to shake away the sensation in his hands, the feeling hanging over his body, and the heaviness climbing up his throat, but he couldn’t and he completely broke down.

Zayn began to cry allowing a single audible whimper to escape his lips before he covered his mouth up with his hands. The tears continued to flow down his cheeks staining his olive skin as the emotions became too much. Zayn dropped down into his chair and continued to cry. He brought his legs up against his chest in the chair and laid his face against his knees letting the wetness roll off his cheeks and into his jeans. Zayn sat there curled into him self in the chair letting the tears fall until they no longer rolled down his face. When everything had reduced itself to nothing more than soft, breathing Zayn still sat there. He couldn’t move.

Liam walked out onto his balcony and placed his hand on Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn didn’t even flinch he just continued to sit there with his knees against his chest and his head rested on top. Liam began rubbing Zayn’s shoulders and then bent down leaving a kiss there. He rested his head against Zayn’s back and wrapped his hands around him.

“Forever.”

Zayn looked off into the night imagining he was somewhere else.

“Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? I am really happy with how this turned out though when I was first began writing this I didn't think it would end the way it did. I actually really wanted it to turn out on more of a good note, but about halfway in I knew that wasn't about to happen. I knew I could write it that way, but I chose not too because I wanted the ending to be realistic. I didn't want the ending to seem manufactured like it would have had I wrote it the way I originally planed too. Now, with that said if you ever find yourself in any type of toxic relationship such as this please seek help of some sort. Also remember you don't have to justify the reasons as to why you may not want to be with someone whether that be sexually or romantically. That person should respect your choices and if they don't it's okay to not feel bad about it. Don't allow them to manipulate you into agreeing to anything you don't want to do because no means No.
> 
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.7233 | National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE
> 
> Kudos and Comments Appreciated!
> 
>  
> 
> **Update (March 7, 2016): For anyone who remebers the original or at least has looked in the comment section you can tell originally this scene's intent wasn't as clear. I decided to reread this and look at some of the comments and I knew from just rereading it it's hard to tell that Liam rapes Zayn and that Zayn is fighting not showing any type of emotion and his body reacting to what's going on. I decided I needed to make that clear finally because it is something that some rape victims often beat themselves up about--The fact that they reached orgasm during their rape. And I wanted to clarify that this is what Zayn is going through here. He doesn't want what happens to happen, but eventually he knows he can't make Liam stop and resolves to just try not to react. However, when his body starts to react he feels betrayed by his body because he doesn't want to react, he doesn't like what's going on, and it definitely doesn't mean that he wasn't raped because he reached orgasm (although Zayn is having a hard time with this part). These are the emotions Zayn's struggling with and I just wanted to make that clear before I wrote the next installment. ******


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